


false promises and daydreams

by madiokay



Category: Bohemian Rhapsody (Movie 2018) Actor RPF
Genre: M/M, Questioning, ben is lowkey an asshole, i'm lowkey sad lmao, i'm lowkey venting here, i'm writing this at 3am, ignore me, lowercase intended, not proofed, sad boys
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-17
Updated: 2019-06-17
Packaged: 2020-05-13 11:33:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,065
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19250359
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/madiokay/pseuds/madiokay
Summary: whew i'm emotional





	false promises and daydreams

ben held his phone up to his ear, the tone indicating that a call was going through ringing loudly. it was four in the morning, the chill of an early morning nipping at the end of his nose. putting his cigarette to his lips, ben took a deep breath in, inhaling the smoke deep into his lungs before letting it billow out slowly. 

"hello?" ben heard from the other end of the line and the sleep in joe's voice was pretty evident. "i didn't mean to wake you." ben spoke, his accent peering out from behind his teeth as he spoke. it had faded a bit, as he had lived in new york but now that he was back in london it was growing strong, again. 

"you didn't wake me, i just got back in from a night with rami." ben hummed, knowing he had absolutely no reason to be jealous. he had his chance with joe. he was joe's boyfriend, until ben felt the need to stick his dick in one of the first girls that approached him. ben wasn't gay. he just so happened to be hopelessly in love with joseph francis mazzello the third. he had his chance, and fumbled as soon as he realized just how important joe was to him.

"we just went out for drinks, neither of us having the balls to do karaoke in the middle of the packed bar, tonight." joe began, filling ben in on just how the night had gone. the relationship between the two was strained, in ways that neither boy would have thought what happen the first time they met and clicked on the set of bohemian rhapsody. the two who had so many inside jokes together, who shared drinks because they didn't see the need to buy two separate ones, and the same two who were cuddled up on the third day of shooting. 

the relationship ben had with gwilym and rami, shit even lucy, was nowhere near as close. they were all friends, but the relationship that ben had with joe was something different. he felt as if joe had the whole world in his hands. the bright smile on his face, the way that his nose crinkled when he smiled with his whole face, the way that joe was just completely genuine with every single thing that he did. it entranced ben.

ben took another inhale of his cigarette, heart tightening at the way his first thought was of joe berating him for even smoking the damn thing in the first place. it was a nasty habit, but not as nasty as fucking up the best thing in your life, and that was something that the blond was all too familiar with. 

"ben, why did you even ca-" 

"i'm sorry."

the line was quiet for a while. neither of the boys dared to say anything, not wanting to break the silence that settled onto the line. their phone calls were often like this. ben knew that joe wanted to suppress the past, while he himself couldn't. it didn't make sense to ben. you would think since he was the one who cheated he would want to be the one to push everything down. he would want to ignore the problem and act like it never happened.

ben knew he didn't deserve joe. he knew he didn't deserve the kindness that his best friend, still holding the title even after everything that had happened, had always given him. when joe caught him cheating, he didn't fight and he didn't scream. he closed the door to their bedroom and walked right out of the apartment. even though ben knew better, joe walked out with ben's heart. 

"i can't do this tonight, ben." was joe's reply. finally stubbing out his cigarette, ben walked back into his room. he slid the glass door shut behind him, making sure that the crisp air stayed outside. "when can we do this?" ben asked, sitting on the corner of his bed. 

"you don't get to do this. you don't get to call me you and act like we're ever going to be in the same place we were. you don't get to act like you didn't use me and then throw me away." ben didn't want to say anything. he didn't want to upset joe more than he already had. he laid back on his bed, ignoring just how cold the spot next to him felt cold. 

"you call me almost every night, like fucking clockwork and i always answer like a fucking idiot. you know why, ben?" ben didn't answer because he knew that no matter what he chose to say, joe was going to keep going. "i fucking loved you, shit i still fucking do, and i act like everything's okay because i can't imagine my life without you." ben sighed, letting out a deep breath as joe continued talking. "we haven't even known each other that long. it's been only two years since we've met and you've made that time feel like we just met yesterday." 

ben closed his eyes, putting his hand against his forehead. he hadn't expected a lecture tonight, only wanting to call because he had missed the sound of joe's voice. he knew how the older was with a few drinks in his system. "i just don't understand. what the fuck did i do?" ben felt his heart break even more at tears that were evident in the other's voice. he never wanted to put joe through any of this. joe was the brightest bit of sunshine in ben's life.

"i wasn't ready. i'm not gay, joe." ben said, not even truly believing the words himself. ben knew deep down that he liked guys, and only guys. the only thing that stopped him was the unwavering feelings that his stepfather pushed into him by the time that he was fourteen. ben had been caught kissing another boy at his prep school and everything went downhill from then. ever since then had had to prove just how straight he was. 

"when you figure yourself out, then you can give me a call. i deserve so much more than you give me."

after hearing the phone click, he dropped his phone down next to him. looking up at the ceiling with tears forming in his eyes, ben let out the first sob.

**Author's Note:**

> whew i'm emotional


End file.
